


What Kaidan Can Do

by sparkly_butthole



Series: The Future Is Ours [7]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Drinking Games, Fluff, Game Night, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-03 23:10:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10977336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkly_butthole/pseuds/sparkly_butthole
Summary: It starts off as a drinking game, something to take the edge off for a few hours before the next round of insanity begins.It quickly morphs into something approximating “Desperately Try To Get Kaidan Alenko Drunk” followed shortly by “Desperately Try To Get Kaidan Alenko To Take One Drink.”





	What Kaidan Can Do

It starts off as a drinking game, something to take the edge off for a few hours before the next round of insanity begins. 

It quickly morphs into something approximating “Desperately Try To Get Kaidan Alenko Drunk” followed shortly by “Desperately Try To Get Kaidan Alenko To Take One Drink.”

The leader asks a trivia question from a list, and nominates three people to try to answer the question. If they fail, they have to take a drink. If none of them gets it right, someone else can attempt it, but then everyone else has to drink if that person answers correctly. Then the next person becomes the leader, and so on until all but one bows out.

Or passes out. Or throws up. 

Which seems likely to happen any time now.

Nine whole members of the crew are three sheets to the wind after twenty minutes.

Kaidan is stone cold sober.

“Okay, my turn,” Tali says in a barely understandable mumble. Garrus discreetly puts an arm around her for stabilization. “I pick… oh my.” She starts to giggle as she attempts to read the question. “I don’t understand things right now, Garry. I pick. Liara. And… Cortez. And maybe Garrus. Because he’s cuuuuuuuuute.” The giggling continues for several seconds until she hiccups. Then she just stares at the datapad until James starts to fidget.

“Aw c’mon, Sparks! You don’t think I’m cute? I’m way cuter than Scars! With all his… scars...” Vega finishes lamely.

“Mr. Vega, you behave with the young lady.”

Garrus is glaring at James. “Yeah, Cortez, keep your boy in line over there.”

Cortez sighs, exasperated. “Hardly my boy,” he mutters.

“Okay okay! The question is:” Then Tali dissolves into a fit of giggles once more, either unable to read or unable to understand the words in front of her.

Garrus picks up the datapad and reads it for her, huffing the turian version of a laugh. “Okay, this requires everyone to turn off their translators. You’ll have to listen to my omni-tool. The question is: What does this phrase mean?”

Everyone dutifully turns off their own translators, though a couple of them are barely sober enough to work the interface, and Liara doesn’t even seem to be awake. 

The phrase comes through Garrus’ omni-tool. It sounds to him like a volus having sex. Everybody looks at each other in confusion until Kaidan gasps. 

“Don’t tell me you know what it means.”

“Jesus! No one should ever say that out loud! Not even through an omni-tool!”

“You’re kidding me, right?”

“No. Not unless you enjoy being tortured by krogans. Literally. Turn it off!” The omni-tool is repeating the phrase to be helpful. 

Shepard stares at Kaidan in confusion. Kaidan raises his eyebrows, waiting for whatever it is John wants to say. 

“You’re telling me you can’t speak asari but you know krogan?”

“All seventeen dialects, yes. And I have never had to infiltrate asari intelligence. They share with us.”

“Pfft. I don’t believe you know what that said. Garrus, he’s full of it, right?”

“I don’t know. If you’re so freaked out about it, Kaidan, why don’t you come over and prove that you aren’t, as Shepard says, ‘full of it.’ And I’m not sure I want to know what you might be ‘full of.’”

Kaidan moves to lean over Garrus, and whispers into his ear. Garrus reads the answer and sighs. 

“Yeah, that’s it. And now I know the krogan equivalent of insulting a turian’s fringe. I guess you learn something new every day, huh?”

Shepard waves his glass. “I could teach you guys a few things about Kaidan.”

Garrus stops that right in its tracks. “No, Shepard. Don’t get any ideas. We do NOT want a repeat of last time.”

Shepard gives him a look that says _ I’m done with you, Vakarian _ , but Garrus just motions everyone to drink and passes on the datapad.

“Oh no, we’re skipping you. We’re gonna get you, Alenko.” The terminal moves right past Kaidan into the eager hands of James Vega.

“Suit yourself.”

Vega closes his eyes and grins, as though imagining Kaidan’s defeat. “Okay! I think Donnelly is the man this time. And maybe Steve. He’s  _ always _ the man.” James tries to give Cortez a wink but isn’t coordinated enough in his drunken state. It ends up an owlish blink instead. “And uh, uh, Traynor!”

Traynor, who’s more along the lines of four sheets to the wind, claps her hands delightedly. “Yes! Yes. I’ll be the one to crack the Major! Tell y’what, Kai… dan… if I get this one right, you’ll drink a whole… glass of whiskey! In one go! Won’t you?”

Kaidan chuckles. “I love how now I have to drink if I  _ don’t _ answer every single question right. But for you, Sam? Anything.”

Samantha blushes. “Oh, I’m not even into men, Major Alenko, but your voice could get any woman pretty hot and bothered…”

Shepard clears his throat.

The comm specialist’s face goes pale. “I mean. What’s the question, Jimmy?”

_ He’s cute when he’s jealous _ , thinks Kaidan.

“Okay, let’s see. Uh. Huh. ‘As compared to body mass, which sentient galactic species has the heaviest genitalia?’ Oh, Steve, you gotta know this, right?!”

Steve frowns. “I’m not sure I understand the implication here, Mr. Vega.”

“What? I just thought maybe you’d know something, you know, to... show up the Major! You’re a smart guy, that’s why I picked you!” James sends Cortez the puppy dog eyes, which of course cause Steve to settle down his glare. 

Even though it sounds suspiciously close to the assertion that Steve knows an unhealthy amount about dicks of  _ all _ species, not just humans.

Unfortunately, they don’t know the answer. But there are plenty of guesses.

“Oh, that’s easy, it’s got to be the krogan, right?”

“Please, that’s such an obvious answer. It’s gotta be the salarians, those cloaca must hide something big.”

Garrus shouts. “Hey!” Everyone quiets. “Obviously it’s the turians. We have the reach. We have the flexibility. Turians are the full package, if you get my drift. Aren’t we, my darling?”

No one can see under Tali’s suit, but it’s clear she’s rolling her eyes even in her drunken state. Perhaps a little too much, since Garrus has to wrap the arm tighter around her before she rolls her eyes right onto the floor.

Shepard scoffs. “Yeah, reach and flexibility, sure,” he quips sarcastically. “But not size.” 

Garrus sends John an unreadable stare, mandibles flexing. 

John’s not about to relent, however. “Don’t give me that face, Vakarian. I’ve seen turian porn. It was not impressive in the least. Y’know what is impressive? Kaidan.”

Everyone groans. 

“Moving on,” Vega states firmly. “I need final answers. Sam? Steve? Ken?”

“Uh. Humans?” Traynor asks. Not that she’d know anything about that sort of thing. 

Vega shakes his head. “Esteban?”

“No idea, Mr. Vega. The elcor?”

Shepard looks at Cortez with an expression of apprehension. “Please don’t tell me you know about elcor cock, Steve. I’d never be able to look at you the same way again.”

Cortez, the most sober person in the room after Alenko, stares hard at his CO. “It’s a guess. Besides, they’re heavy, right? That makes sense.”

Donnelly speaks up. “Nooo, laddie, that’s not how that goes. It’s more of a, what, surface to volume kind of deal.”

“Aren’t you an engineer, Ken? How the hell would you know?”

“It’s physics, that’s all. I mean it’s possible, but highly unlikely in a biological system.”

Steve seems put out. “So do you have the answer then?”

“No, man, I’m an engineer, not an expert on genoxen… genit… alien cock!”

“Ugh. Well, Jimmy?”

“Strike three and you’re out, Esteban.”

Everyone turns to Kaidan.

He shrugs. “It’s the volus.”

“What? No way-”

“Uh huh, sure-”

“Um-”

Vega’s expression of disbelief silences everyone. “Un-freaking-believable. He’s right.”

Everyone groans again.

Garrus scratches his face with a long talon. “Not that I ever wanted to know this much about volus anatomy, but how is that possible? You know, never mind. There’s not enough magic beans in turian brandy to make that palatable.”

“The volus are some of the most sexually expressive creatures in the galaxy. The suits hide a lot,” Kaidan supplies helpfully.

Shepard squints at him in that special way only the truly drunk could manage. “Isn’t it voli though?”

“Uh… no?”

“But volus is like, just one volus, right?”

“And multiple volus, John.”

“But… but…”

“It’s like fish, Shepard. Or deer. Singular and plural both mean the same thing.”

The non-humans in the group don’t get the distinction, and no one else is sober enough to consider the question seriously. 

Not that Shepard is, either.

“Alright, everybody drink.” Vega is sullen, hoping to have been the one to finally stump the Major.

Joker’s next.

“The SSV Carl Jung was named after a psychologist in the early 1900s. Who was Carl Jung’s most important contemporary?”

Shepard scowls. “What kind of question is that?”

Cortez speaks up. “I guess it’s just a free for all now, huh? Let’s see who can stump Kaidan? Or maybe, I dunno, answer a single question right?”

Traynor nods vigorously and then tilts sideways far enough she barely catches herself before falling over entirely. 

Kaidan shakes his head. “I’m ashamed of you, John. We learned this at the academy right after basic.”

“Why are you ashamed of me? What about Joker and Vega?”

“I’m ashamed of them on general principle, so they don’t count.” 

The two men splutter as they sip their drinks.

“Cortez!” Shepard continues. “You’re ashamed of him, right? He’s not a slacker, and he doesn’t know either. Hell, Garrus is a turian and he doesn’t. And he studies warships for fun!”

Garrus seems confused. “Is there something wrong with studying warships for fun?”

Cortez laughs. “Who says I don’t know, Commander? I think maybe I’ll just let you flounder.” He winks at Kaidan, who blows him a kiss. 

John folds his arms across his chest. “Don’t hit on my man, Cortez. You’ll feel the full wrath of Shepard.” Then he hiccups and the whole room chuckles.

“So are either of you going to answer? Steve? Kaidan?”

“Kaidan, please do. I’ll give you this round, if only because it makes Shepard so jealous.” 

“Thank you so much, Lieutenant Cortez. The answer is Sigmund Freud.” 

“Shepard, I think there’s something wrong with your boyfriend. I bet we could force feed him alcohol and he’d still beat our asses at this game!” Joker is just as frustrated as everyone else, but it’s nice to see Kaidan kicking ass in a game of some sort, considering Vega frequently wins the shirt off his back.

John sighs and looks dejected, but quickly forgets about it when he realizes it is his turn next. He eagerly snatches the datapad.

“How many anal sphincters does a batarian have?” Shepard inhales whiskey- not on purpose, of course- and coughs. “That’s not a real question, c’mon!”

“Why can’t it be?”

“Well, first of all.” John waves his glass at Kaidan, whiskey slopping over and onto his wrist. Some lands on Joker, who is sitting to the right of him. 

Maybe he’s more drunk than he thought. 

“First of all, Kaidan. Everybody only needs one sphincter. That’s a no-brain. No-brainer. And second of all, who the hell would know that answer anyway? Chakwas?” He scoffs. “Even I think that’s an unfair question to give you. Even though the answer is one. Because duh.” He rolls his eyes.

“Humans have two anal sphincters, John.”

Shepard shoots him a dumbfounded look. “You’re lying, Alenko.”

Kaidan ignores him. “And batarians have three.”

“He’s right, Shepard. On both counts,” Cortez says.

“That’s… a load of bullshit. Lemme see.” 

Cortez hands him the datapad containing the answers. Shepard squints to read, then glares. 

“You cheated, Kaidan!” 

Kaidan gives him an amused look.

Garrus is  _ not _ amused. “I’m calling shenanigans on someone in this room. Who set this up? Not for Kaidan, I mean in general. One of you is playing with us. I never in my life wanted to know about batarian assholes or volus dicks, but now I’m scarred for life.”

Donnelly shoots the turian a crooked grin. “Y’mean ye don’t want to know how batarians take a shite?” Apparently a drunk Ken Donnelly is nearly impossible to understand even if you do know human language. “Now I wish we had one on board. I’d want to take a look at a piece. Would it be corkscrewed or somethin’?”

“Ahem, my question next.” Cortez quickly grabs the datapad from Shepard’s not so nimble hands. Shepard’s still giving Kaidan the hairy eyeball. Garrus stares at Donnelly in horror. “It says it’s about historical human culture for this challenge.” 

He glances around the room. “We have plenty humans, don’t we? Okay, I pick Kaidan, Vega, and Traynor. You might know this, Sam. I have no hope for Vega but I gotta pick someone.” Cortez is as eager as everyone else to see Kaidan take at least one drink; truth be told, if he’d actually known the answer two rounds ago he wouldn’t have been nice enough to let Kaidan have it. But now they’re all fading fast, even Mr. Iron Liver Vega. One drink isn’t too much to ask, right?

“Well if it’s not alien assholes it’s ancient human culture. This game is rigged!”

Kaidan smiles an evil smile at Garrus. “Well there are a lot of humans in this room. But we can always play the turian version later and I’ll still beat your ass, Gar.”

“I wouldn’t take him on that bet, Garrus,” Joker warns. “Pretty sure this guy could fund a brand new Normandy if we put him on one of those intergalactic trivia shows.”

“Okay guys, you wanna take Kaidan down or not? Listen to the question. What 20th century comedian said ‘Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.’”

“Wait,” Garrus interjects, drawl heavy with intoxication. “I want to meet this guy. He kinda sounds like a turian. Though, we don’t have these support group things. We just shoot each other. But we meet at the bar after.” He glances around. “Were there turians on Earth back then?” 

Cortez shakes his head at Garrus’ confused expression. He is quickly losing hope that anyone can get Alenko to drink.

Traynor shakes her own head sadly and takes a drink. Vega, though, squirms like he has the answer. They all stare at him expectantly.

He takes in everybody one at a time, solemn, and states, “That was Abraham Lincoln.”

_ Oh, Vega. At least you tried _ , Cortez thinks.

In the meantime, Shepard continues to glare at Kaidan, who continues to look amused.

Kaidan takes pity on them by giving them all a chance to answer, even the shuttle pilot. “Cortez, do you know?” 

“I’m afraid I do not, Major Alenko.”

“Such a shame.”

“Well don’t keep us waiting, Spectre. It’s cruel and unusual punishment to stop your teammates from drinking themselves to death. Unless you don’t actually know?” Garrus practically claps his talons together at the thought. 

Traynor finds the sight hilarious. She laughs until Cortez has to hold her up.

“Oh, I know.”

“This guy, you know what he can’t even do-”

Kaidan cuts Shepard off. “It’s a guy named George Carlin. Pretty funny dude, you should check out his specials sometime.”

Steve checks the datapad and rolls his eyes. “You guys about ready to give up?”

“No!”

“Oh, John. You really don’t like to lose, do you.” 

“It’s not! That. Kaidan. You don’t even know how to, how to. How to use a zipper! He can’t even use a zipper!” Shepard flails in desperation.

“Yeah, I think we’d better go,” Joker says, scooting away from the Commander before he gets doused in more whiskey.

“Oh dammit, you can’t just let him get away with this! One more round?”

Garrus chuckles. “Shepard, I don’t think I could read a question right now if my life depended on it. And Liara’s next in line, and she’s not even awake.”

The asari’s quiet snores greet the silence. 

Then John makes a disgusted noise. “Fine! You’re all a bunch of quitters! And Kaidan, I’m gonna spank… gonna spank you. For this.”

Kaidan chuckles and walks over to pull him up, carefully holding onto him as he stumbles. “John, you’re gonna go to bed.”

“Nuh-uh,” John replies, sullen.

“Yes-huh. Come on.” 

Garrus watches them leave port observation and shakes his head. “At least he didn’t go into detail about their sex life this time around. I mean other than that last little bit. Spanking? At least I think that’s a sex thing for humans? Though I don’t know why that would be alluring. And before you say anything,” he waves a shaky talon towards James, “I don’t want to know.”

“What? I thought it was pretty hot,” Vega chimes in. Then he sways and stares into his drink with knitted brows.

Steve sighs. Maybe they’ll play a cooperative game next time… and dilute the Commander’s drink while they’re at it.

Though he can’t lie. Hearing more about Shepard and Alenko’s spanking fetish sounds like a grand idea.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed the silliness! As always comments, kudos, and criticisms are always welcome!


End file.
